WEBVTT 00:00:02.020 --> 00:00:03.900 Welcome to The Courage to Reconnect. 00:00:04.460 --> 00:00:06.340 I'm your host, Sarah Monares, 00:00:06.760 --> 00:00:08.520 therapist, coach, and author. 00:00:08.900 --> 00:00:10.880 It has always been important to me 00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:14.240 to create intentional spaces to talk openly 00:00:14.580 --> 00:00:18.140 about the things so many people quietly carry alone. 00:00:18.700 --> 00:00:21.020 Because it's in the open that we heal 00:00:21.240 --> 00:00:23.880 and it's in the open that we allow ourselves 00:00:24.280 --> 00:00:25.760 to be fully seen. 00:00:26.360 --> 00:00:29.240 In this space, we have real conversations 00:00:29.240 --> 00:00:33.060 about things like relationships, attachment, anxiety, 00:00:33.440 --> 00:00:36.980 codependency, healing, and the patterns that keep us 00:00:37.120 --> 00:00:41.160 disconnected from ourselves and the people we care about most. 00:00:41.760 --> 00:00:44.000 Together, we'll explore what it means 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:47.980 to reconnect with yourself, create healthier relationships, 00:00:48.680 --> 00:00:54.280 and become more fully who you really are and exit your loop. 00:00:54.920 --> 00:00:56.320 I'm so glad you're here. 00:00:56.720 --> 00:00:58.840 Let's get brave and dive in. 00:00:59.840 --> 00:01:01.960 Have you ever known what you wanted to do, 00:01:01.960 --> 00:01:04.580 but then immediately started questioning yourself? 00:01:05.460 --> 00:01:09.140 Maybe you made a decision and then asked three other people 00:01:09.450 --> 00:01:11.460 whether they thought it was the right one. 00:01:12.200 --> 00:01:14.760 Maybe something someone said hurt you, 00:01:14.880 --> 00:01:16.960 but instead of trusting that feeling, 00:01:17.330 --> 00:01:20.680 you wondered if you were just being too sensitive. 00:01:21.300 --> 00:01:26.160 Maybe something in a relationship didn't feel quite right, 00:01:26.680 --> 00:01:29.020 but you kept talking yourself out of it 00:01:29.240 --> 00:01:32.800 because you couldn't prove that anything was actually wrong. 00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:37.600 Or maybe you found yourself completely stuck 00:01:37.800 --> 00:01:42.320 because you're so afraid of making the wrong decision 00:01:43.180 --> 00:01:45.520 that you don't make one at all. 00:01:45.980 --> 00:01:47.620 This is self-doubt, 00:01:48.300 --> 00:01:51.700 and it's the next stage of the disconnection loop. 00:01:52.400 --> 00:01:55.119 Last week, we talked about self-judgment 00:01:55.120 --> 00:01:57.900 and what happens when we turn against ourselves. 00:01:58.660 --> 00:02:02.720 We talked about the way we can take our behaviors, 00:02:03.220 --> 00:02:05.880 mistakes, feelings, or reactions, 00:02:06.120 --> 00:02:09.399 and turn them into judgment about who we are. 00:02:09.820 --> 00:02:12.800 So instead of saying, "I made a mistake," 00:02:12.800 --> 00:02:18.220 we say, "There's something fundamentally wrong with me." 00:02:18.220 --> 00:02:20.440 But when you tell yourself 00:02:20.640 --> 00:02:23.060 there's something wrong with you enough, 00:02:23.560 --> 00:02:26.880 then another belief starts to form. 00:02:27.440 --> 00:02:33.560 And that belief is, maybe I can't trust myself. 00:02:34.440 --> 00:02:38.160 And I think that's what self-doubt really is. 00:02:38.340 --> 00:02:42.200 It's much deeper than just indecisiveness 00:02:42.600 --> 00:02:44.720 or a lack of self-confidence. 00:02:45.800 --> 00:02:49.280 Self-doubt is what happens when you have learned 00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:52.119 to doubt yourself for so long 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:54.920 that you stop believing you're trustworthy. 00:02:55.940 --> 00:02:59.200 Most of us are programmed through our own conditioning 00:02:59.480 --> 00:03:02.540 to doubt ourselves, because if you doubt yourself, 00:03:02.980 --> 00:03:05.340 then you become more agreeable. 00:03:05.580 --> 00:03:08.780 You become easier for the adults 00:03:08.780 --> 00:03:13.760 or the other people in your life to manage, right? 00:03:14.480 --> 00:03:15.580 Let me ask you this. 00:03:15.760 --> 00:03:18.680 Have you ever had a really strong conviction 00:03:19.420 --> 00:03:21.339 that you wanted to do something 00:03:21.340 --> 00:03:25.540 and you knew it in your bones, it's what's right for you. 00:03:26.500 --> 00:03:31.260 Then people start having opinions about this thing 00:03:31.440 --> 00:03:32.120 and you waver. 00:03:33.260 --> 00:03:35.960 For me, I think about when we decided 00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:38.020 to move from Colorado to Portugal. 00:03:38.880 --> 00:03:40.500 We knew it was right. 00:03:40.540 --> 00:03:42.040 We knew it was right for us. 00:03:42.200 --> 00:03:43.200 Was it scary? 00:03:43.700 --> 00:03:45.020 Yes, absolutely. 00:03:45.640 --> 00:03:47.920 But ultimately, right. 00:03:48.180 --> 00:03:52.340 and what we wanted to do, the decision we knew was best for us. 00:03:52.820 --> 00:03:56.240 But then, when we started to tell other people, 00:03:56.740 --> 00:03:58.160 everyone had an opinion. 00:03:58.880 --> 00:04:00.240 They were scared for us. 00:04:00.440 --> 00:04:02.700 They would say things like, oh my gosh, 00:04:02.700 --> 00:04:04.060 I can't believe you're doing that. 00:04:04.260 --> 00:04:05.500 I could never do that. 00:04:05.660 --> 00:04:06.700 You're so brave. 00:04:07.220 --> 00:04:08.100 That's so scary. 00:04:08.170 --> 00:04:10.620 It takes so much courage, which is all true. 00:04:11.620 --> 00:04:15.140 But they all had an opinion about why it was dangerous, 00:04:15.460 --> 00:04:19.920 why we shouldn't do it, why staying put where we were 00:04:20.220 --> 00:04:21.859 was the best decision. 00:04:22.400 --> 00:04:26.540 And then they would try and talk us out of it. 00:04:26.700 --> 00:04:28.340 So from their place of fear. 00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:32.820 But did it make me doubt my decision? 00:04:33.740 --> 00:04:34.060 Yes. 00:04:34.510 --> 00:04:36.460 I can't speak for my husband on this, 00:04:37.300 --> 00:04:41.360 but I think we both doubted our decision multiple times. 00:04:41.970 --> 00:04:44.879 At the same time, that can be true 00:04:44.880 --> 00:04:55.060 with also knowing that my intuition and my real self knew what was best for me, for us, 00:04:55.200 --> 00:04:56.100 for our family. 00:04:56.740 --> 00:04:59.820 And it's an important nuance, right? 00:05:00.300 --> 00:05:05.840 It's an important thing to realize that both things can be true at the same time. 00:05:06.320 --> 00:05:12.020 When you stop trusting what you feel, you stop trusting what you need. 00:05:12.260 --> 00:05:17.700 You question what you saw, what you experienced, what you remember, what you want. 00:05:18.140 --> 00:05:23.660 And eventually you can even stop trusting your ability to make decisions about your 00:05:23.840 --> 00:05:24.520 own life. 00:05:25.200 --> 00:05:31.840 And today we're going to talk about how this happens, what self-doubt actually looks like, 00:05:31.960 --> 00:05:37.500 and most importantly, how we begin rebuilding self-trust. 00:05:38.020 --> 00:05:43.820 If this is the first time you're finding me in an episode, I am really glad you're here 00:05:44.100 --> 00:05:49.020 and just want to make sure that you know that each episode builds on each other. 00:05:49.220 --> 00:05:55.520 And so I really encourage you to go back, re-listen to the episodes from the beginning 00:05:55.760 --> 00:05:59.940 so the full disconnection loop totally makes sense. 00:06:00.360 --> 00:06:04.140 And if you're a returning listener, I'm so glad you're here as well. 00:06:04.940 --> 00:06:12.220 we learn not to trust ourselves. I don't think most of us wake up one day and all 00:06:12.220 --> 00:06:17.040 of a sudden we decide not to trust ourselves. It's something that we learn 00:06:17.740 --> 00:06:22.520 over time and just like everything else we've talked about in the disconnection 00:06:22.600 --> 00:06:27.880 loop, a lot of that learning happens through relationships, relational 00:06:28.440 --> 00:06:34.920 wounding. So maybe you were told you're too sensitive, maybe you express that 00:06:34.920 --> 00:06:40.540 hurt you and someone got defensive and told you that you were overreacting. 00:06:41.380 --> 00:06:45.600 Maybe you learned that adults knew better simply because they were adults. 00:06:46.420 --> 00:06:51.760 Maybe being good meant ignoring what you wanted or what you needed. 00:06:52.600 --> 00:06:59.760 Or speaking up created conflict so eventually it felt safer to question yourself than to 00:06:59.820 --> 00:07:01.120 question someone else. 00:07:02.440 --> 00:07:08.340 Sometimes the messages are very direct and other times they're much more subtle. 00:07:08.690 --> 00:07:15.280 But eventually we begin learning that other people's interpretations of our experiences 00:07:15.620 --> 00:07:18.380 are more trustworthy than our own. 00:07:18.960 --> 00:07:22.700 Then the disconnection loop reinforces that belief. 00:07:23.070 --> 00:07:29.299 We're triggered, our conditioning gets activated, fear takes over, we spiral, we try to control 00:07:29.300 --> 00:07:36.160 other people, outcomes, we behave in ways we aren't proud of, then we judge 00:07:36.260 --> 00:07:42.660 ourselves for those behaviors. And after enough repetitions of that cycle, it's 00:07:42.660 --> 00:07:49.760 not hard to understand why we start thinking, "Maybe I'm the last person I 00:07:49.920 --> 00:07:56.639 should trust." And I think this is really important. Every time you abandon what 00:07:56.600 --> 00:08:05.200 you know, feel, need, or want in order to preserve connection, you teach yourself that 00:08:05.400 --> 00:08:11.040 someone else's voice, needs, and desires matter more than your own. 00:08:11.940 --> 00:08:16.240 That doesn't mean everything you feel is automatically true. 00:08:17.040 --> 00:08:19.020 We've already talked about that. 00:08:19.560 --> 00:08:24.440 Feelings are information, not necessarily facts, right? 00:08:25.440 --> 00:08:29.460 So trusting yourself doesn't mean assuming that you're always right. 00:08:29.560 --> 00:08:36.520 It means though that you're willing to listen to yourself and take what you hear seriously. 00:08:37.500 --> 00:08:40.620 So let's talk about what self-doubt actually looks like. 00:08:41.240 --> 00:08:48.260 Self-doubt can be obvious, but a lot of the time it doesn't look just like, "Oh, I don't 00:08:48.320 --> 00:08:49.200 trust myself." 00:08:49.200 --> 00:08:53.480 A lot of times people don't even know that that's what's happening is that they don't 00:08:53.580 --> 00:08:54.300 trust themselves. 00:08:55.320 --> 00:09:01.180 that it can play out is asking everyone what they think before you make a decision. 00:09:02.600 --> 00:09:06.620 Needing reassurance that you're not overreacting in a situation. 00:09:07.220 --> 00:09:12.820 It can also look like making a decision and replaying it over and over and over again, 00:09:13.280 --> 00:09:15.760 wondering if you made the wrong choice. 00:09:16.560 --> 00:09:22.940 It can look like researching endlessly because you believe that if you gather just a little 00:09:22.840 --> 00:09:29.060 more information, then eventually you'll find the answer that guarantees you won't make 00:09:29.060 --> 00:09:31.480 a mistake or you can avoid pain. 00:09:32.240 --> 00:09:39.420 And a big one that I see a lot is gathering all kinds of information from outside sources 00:09:39.660 --> 00:09:46.380 like books and podcasts and social media because you believe the answers are outside of you 00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:49.180 rather than inside of you. 00:09:49.740 --> 00:09:54.440 It can also look like staying in a situation longer than you want to because you don't 00:09:54.560 --> 00:09:57.160 trust your reasons for leaving. 00:09:57.680 --> 00:10:00.280 You think, "Maybe I'm expecting too much. 00:10:00.780 --> 00:10:02.040 Maybe I'm being selfish. 00:10:02.500 --> 00:10:04.500 Maybe this isn't actually that bad. 00:10:04.740 --> 00:10:07.000 Maybe I should give it another chance." 00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:13.540 And sometimes self-doubt looks like completely ignoring what your body and your emotions 00:10:13.620 --> 00:10:15.480 have been trying to tell you. 00:10:16.260 --> 00:10:24.240 feels wrong, something feels off, but because you can't fully explain it perfectly, then 00:10:24.540 --> 00:10:26.220 you dismiss it. 00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:32.200 This is also where outsourcing our worth becomes incredibly powerful. 00:10:32.690 --> 00:10:36.080 And what do I mean when I say outsourcing worth? 00:10:36.620 --> 00:10:45.139 I mean that if you don't know within yourself that you are inherently worthy, so you put 00:10:45.140 --> 00:10:51.480 your worth in everyone else's hands and ask them to prove for you that you're 00:10:51.600 --> 00:10:57.180 worthy. The problem is is that other people are disconnected too a lot of the 00:10:57.260 --> 00:11:02.920 times and so they don't necessarily believe it for themselves and so how are 00:11:02.920 --> 00:11:09.739 they going to believe that for you? Outsourcing worth is powerful because if 00:11:09.740 --> 00:11:13.840 If I don't trust my own evaluation of myself, 00:11:14.400 --> 00:11:18.540 I need to get that evaluation somewhere else. 00:11:18.860 --> 00:11:23.880 I start looking at relationships, approval, achievements, 00:11:24.680 --> 00:11:27.580 productivity, appearance, success, 00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:30.040 or other people's opinions 00:11:30.560 --> 00:11:34.240 to tell me whether or not I'm okay. 00:11:34.740 --> 00:11:36.880 If I don't trust my own decisions, 00:11:37.500 --> 00:11:40.420 I need someone else to tell me what to do. 00:11:40.900 --> 00:11:43.180 When you stop trusting yourself, 00:11:43.470 --> 00:11:46.280 you start looking outside yourself 00:11:46.310 --> 00:11:49.940 for someone else to tell you what is true. 00:11:50.330 --> 00:11:53.880 And the problem is that the more you outsource 00:11:53.880 --> 00:11:57.400 your knowing, your decisions, and your worth, 00:11:57.810 --> 00:12:01.660 the less opportunity you have to build evidence 00:12:01.980 --> 00:12:05.040 that you can actually trust yourself. 00:12:05.980 --> 00:12:08.780 Now let's talk about the three versions of yourself 00:12:09.410 --> 00:12:10.700 for you to trust. 00:12:11.220 --> 00:12:15.340 There's the past, the present, and the future versions. 00:12:16.140 --> 00:12:19.860 So first, when a relationship ends 00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:22.640 and you stop trusting who you were, 00:12:22.950 --> 00:12:27.240 so the past version of you is rocked and highly judged. 00:12:27.600 --> 00:12:31.380 This is really common, and I'm using the example 00:12:31.480 --> 00:12:35.960 of a relationship ending for the past version of you 00:12:35.960 --> 00:12:43.980 I see this so often when people are going through a breakup or divorce, but this can 00:12:44.100 --> 00:12:53.900 also apply to any situation in the past where you feel like maybe you responded in the wrong 00:12:54.420 --> 00:12:54.680 way. 00:12:55.520 --> 00:13:02.720 But let's look at it in the context of a breakup or the ending of a relationship, a divorce. 00:13:03.800 --> 00:13:10.980 And in this situation, what's happening is people are grieving the loss of a relationship, 00:13:11.760 --> 00:13:20.420 but there's usually a much bigger loss that's actually happening underneath it, which most 00:13:20.540 --> 00:13:22.180 people aren't aware of. 00:13:22.680 --> 00:13:29.900 And it is the loss that they can't trust themselves. 00:13:30.920 --> 00:13:38.220 They all say things like, "How did I not see the signs?" or "Why did I stay so long?" 00:13:38.220 --> 00:13:43.120 or "If I knew something wasn't right, why didn't I listen to myself?" 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:48.520 Or even all the way back to "Why did I even choose this person in the first place?" 00:13:48.560 --> 00:13:55.380 And underneath all those questions is a much, much scarier one, which is "How do I know 00:13:55.620 --> 00:13:59.059 I won't do this again?" 00:13:59.060 --> 00:14:04.060 importantly, they're not only questioning the relationship, they're questioning the 00:14:04.260 --> 00:14:07.660 person they were inside of the relationship. 00:14:08.260 --> 00:14:15.760 And I think we have to be really careful here because we're looking backward with information 00:14:16.160 --> 00:14:23.020 we have today and judging the version of ourselves who didn't have that information yet. 00:14:23.860 --> 00:14:28.020 So maybe there were things that you missed. 00:14:28.320 --> 00:14:32.540 Maybe there were things you saw and weren't ready to acknowledge yet. 00:14:33.060 --> 00:14:37.120 Maybe your conditioning made certain behaviors feel normal. 00:14:37.800 --> 00:14:41.360 Maybe fear kept you in the relationship. 00:14:42.190 --> 00:14:49.860 Maybe you abandoned yourself in ways you can see clearly in hindsight, but it wasn't clear 00:14:49.860 --> 00:14:50.680 at the time. 00:14:51.420 --> 00:14:58.340 And maybe there are choices you made then that you wouldn't make today. 00:14:59.040 --> 00:15:02.740 And you can take responsibility for all of that. 00:15:03.900 --> 00:15:10.940 But none of it means the person you were was fundamentally untrustworthy. 00:15:11.640 --> 00:15:16.760 That version of you was making decisions with the awareness, the conditioning, the fears, 00:15:16.900 --> 00:15:24.620 resources and the information they had at the time. You can't build self-trust 00:15:24.820 --> 00:15:31.780 while continually using your past as evidence against yourself. The goal is 00:15:31.820 --> 00:15:37.880 not to convince yourself that every choice you've made is a good one 00:15:38.260 --> 00:15:44.399 because that's unrealistic. It's to understand those choices well enough 00:15:44.220 --> 00:15:51.940 that they become information rather than evidence for your prosecution. So what 00:15:52.060 --> 00:15:56.780 did I learn? What can I see now that I couldn't see then? What would I do 00:15:56.900 --> 00:16:03.960 differently? What do I know about myself today that I didn't know then? That's how 00:16:04.060 --> 00:16:14.200 the past becomes wisdom instead of evidence that you can't be trusted. I 00:16:14.200 --> 00:16:21.220 is one of those phrases we throw around without really talking about what it 00:16:21.300 --> 00:16:28.300 means. And self-trust does not mean believing you're always right. It doesn't 00:16:28.380 --> 00:16:35.480 mean your feelings are always facts and it doesn't mean never asking for advice 00:16:36.220 --> 00:16:43.480 or refusing to consider another person's perspective and it definitely doesn't 00:16:43.420 --> 00:16:50.080 that means swinging into hyper-independence and deciding you don't need anyone. 00:16:50.780 --> 00:16:55.760 Healthy self-trust leaves room for other people. 00:16:56.710 --> 00:16:58.400 We need other people. 00:16:58.710 --> 00:17:05.439 And you can listen to someone else's perspective and still stay connected to yourself. 00:17:05.720 --> 00:17:07.160 That is the ultimate goal. 00:17:07.430 --> 00:17:11.480 You can ask for advice and still make your own decisions. 00:17:12.339 --> 00:17:15.920 You can discover that you're wrong and change your mind. 00:17:16.280 --> 00:17:19.839 You can make a mistake and you can repair it. 00:17:20.400 --> 00:17:28.600 Self-trust means I can take in information from the world, from other people, without 00:17:28.760 --> 00:17:31.360 abandoning myself in the process. 00:17:32.280 --> 00:17:38.000 And maybe even more importantly, self-trust isn't believing you'll always make the right 00:17:38.080 --> 00:17:38.540 decision. 00:17:39.300 --> 00:17:45.320 trusting that you can handle yourself even when you don't. And that changes 00:17:45.480 --> 00:17:50.800 everything because when you believe your safety depends on making the right 00:17:50.920 --> 00:17:59.140 choice, every decision becomes so enormous. You need certainty before you 00:17:59.280 --> 00:18:07.000 move. You need guarantees. You research, you analyze, you ask everyone else and 00:18:06.700 --> 00:18:11.760 and you wait until you somehow think you know 00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:16.580 what will happen or somehow can predict the outcome. 00:18:17.080 --> 00:18:20.780 But the reality is, is there are no guarantees. 00:18:21.540 --> 00:18:25.480 And sometimes you will choose something and regret it. 00:18:25.700 --> 00:18:28.980 And sometimes you'll trust someone who disappoints you. 00:18:29.640 --> 00:18:32.360 Sometimes you'll take a chance and it won't work. 00:18:32.900 --> 00:18:35.720 And sometimes you'll speak up and someone won't like it. 00:18:35.780 --> 00:18:38.280 and these are all a part of being human. 00:18:38.800 --> 00:18:41.100 And self-trust isn't the promise 00:18:41.260 --> 00:18:43.320 that none of these things will happen. 00:18:43.980 --> 00:18:47.580 It's knowing that if they do or when they do, 00:18:48.010 --> 00:18:51.240 you won't abandon yourself in the process. 00:18:52.220 --> 00:18:55.600 So let's talk about rebuilding self-trust 00:18:55.900 --> 00:18:58.240 and trusting who you are today. 00:18:58.380 --> 00:19:01.480 And this is where I think rebuilding self-trust 00:19:01.620 --> 00:19:03.900 actually becomes very practical. 00:19:04.860 --> 00:19:08.880 We don't rebuild self-trust by just telling ourselves, 00:19:09.530 --> 00:19:11.320 "I trust myself." 00:19:11.840 --> 00:19:15.380 Yes, affirmations and mantras are powerful 00:19:15.490 --> 00:19:17.360 and wonderful and beautiful, 00:19:17.510 --> 00:19:20.140 and I strongly encourage you to use them. 00:19:20.800 --> 00:19:24.980 And also know that alone, they aren't enough. 00:19:26.120 --> 00:19:28.700 So we build self-trust by giving ourselves 00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:34.840 repeated experiences that prove we can trust ourselves. 00:19:34.840 --> 00:19:40.380 ourselves and most of those experiences aren't huge though our human brains 00:19:40.440 --> 00:19:45.400 would really like them to be because we typically only value big huge giant 00:19:45.480 --> 00:19:51.900 leaps forward but what really actually matters is the small choices that you 00:19:51.940 --> 00:19:59.279 make that are in alignment with your real self. Little tiny small everyday 00:19:59.280 --> 00:20:06.880 brave choices. So things like noticing that you're exhausted and instead of 00:20:06.980 --> 00:20:11.660 pushing through because you don't want to disappoint anyone, you choose that 00:20:11.720 --> 00:20:18.420 you're going to rest instead. Maybe something or maybe someone hurt your 00:20:18.560 --> 00:20:23.340 feelings and instead of immediately convincing yourself that it shouldn't, 00:20:23.340 --> 00:20:28.800 you slow down and you listen and then actually tell the person. 00:20:29.760 --> 00:20:34.860 Maybe you tell someone no when you actually mean no, 00:20:34.960 --> 00:20:40.440 or you tell someone how you really feel in a way that's kind and assertive. 00:20:41.000 --> 00:20:45.780 You make a decision without polling five people first. 00:20:46.100 --> 00:20:50.420 You recognize that you need help and you ask for it. 00:20:50.420 --> 00:20:53.880 Every one of these moments becomes evidence. 00:20:54.080 --> 00:20:57.000 Every small choice you make in alignment 00:20:57.180 --> 00:20:59.240 with your real self teaches your brain, 00:20:59.740 --> 00:21:00.940 I will not abandon you. 00:21:01.360 --> 00:21:04.820 I will listen and I will do what you need 00:21:05.120 --> 00:21:07.960 to get your needs met in a healthy way. 00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:09.440 That's trust. 00:21:10.080 --> 00:21:13.280 Think about how trust develops in a healthy relationship. 00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:17.120 You listen, you tell the truth, you follow through, 00:21:17.460 --> 00:21:19.240 you show up consistently. 00:21:19.900 --> 00:21:22.880 When you hurt the other person or break trust, 00:21:23.090 --> 00:21:24.880 you repair, right? 00:21:25.420 --> 00:21:30.220 Your relationship with yourself, it's not any different. 00:21:31.180 --> 00:21:35.020 So listening to yourself, telling yourself the truth, 00:21:35.280 --> 00:21:37.300 taking your own needs seriously, 00:21:38.060 --> 00:21:40.220 keeping small promises to yourself. 00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:44.980 And when you do abandon yourself, because you will, 00:21:45.460 --> 00:21:50.820 coming back to yourself and repairing with yourself as well. 00:21:51.180 --> 00:21:55.360 It's not about becoming perfectly aligned with yourself 00:21:55.660 --> 00:21:57.320 every moment of every day 00:21:57.760 --> 00:22:00.480 because that's really actually impossible. 00:22:01.580 --> 00:22:03.900 It's about building a new pattern 00:22:04.140 --> 00:22:06.280 and allowing yourself to be human. 00:22:06.760 --> 00:22:08.060 I will listen to you. 00:22:08.060 --> 00:22:09.480 I will take you seriously. 00:22:09.880 --> 00:22:11.180 I will tell you the truth. 00:22:11.760 --> 00:22:13.160 And when things get hard, 00:22:13.380 --> 00:22:16.380 I will do my best not to abandon you. 00:22:17.300 --> 00:22:20.360 Over time, these small experiences, 00:22:20.990 --> 00:22:24.900 they become your sense of self-trust. 00:22:26.140 --> 00:22:29.160 Okay, now there's another part of self-trust 00:22:29.180 --> 00:22:31.200 I don't think we talk about enough, 00:22:31.210 --> 00:22:33.640 and that's learning to trust the person 00:22:33.930 --> 00:22:36.500 you haven't become yet. 00:22:37.100 --> 00:22:38.360 That's your future self. 00:22:38.950 --> 00:22:42.140 And I think so much anxiety comes 00:22:42.140 --> 00:22:46.020 from making present you responsible 00:22:46.460 --> 00:22:50.540 for solving problems that belong to future you. 00:22:50.980 --> 00:22:54.460 We think about things obsessively sometimes, 00:22:54.720 --> 00:22:57.260 like what if my relationship ends? 00:22:57.400 --> 00:22:58.940 What if I regret this decision? 00:22:59.260 --> 00:23:00.500 What if I lose my job? 00:23:00.600 --> 00:23:02.000 What if my child struggles? 00:23:02.620 --> 00:23:04.900 What if something happens that I can't handle? 00:23:05.420 --> 00:23:07.140 What if I get a medical diagnosis? 00:23:07.880 --> 00:23:10.900 What if, what if, what if, fill in the blank, 00:23:11.820 --> 00:23:14.780 'Cause we all know our what ifs, right? 00:23:15.780 --> 00:23:18.680 Usually we've been stuck in them enough to know. 00:23:20.020 --> 00:23:24.980 And then when we try to solve all those possibilities 00:23:25.360 --> 00:23:28.620 right now, that's absolutely exhausting. 00:23:28.920 --> 00:23:33.020 And it's also another form of control, grasping. 00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:37.960 We're trying to create enough certainty in the present 00:23:37.960 --> 00:23:42.080 that we never have to experience discomfort in the future, 00:23:42.580 --> 00:23:45.360 but self-trust gives us another option. 00:23:46.280 --> 00:23:50.140 I don't need to know exactly how I will handle something 00:23:50.520 --> 00:23:51.940 that hasn't happened yet. 00:23:52.280 --> 00:23:55.140 I can trust the future version of me 00:23:55.550 --> 00:23:58.680 to meet that moment with that information, 00:23:59.340 --> 00:24:04.640 resources, strength, and support available to me then, 00:24:05.060 --> 00:24:05.980 when it happens. 00:24:06.480 --> 00:24:09.280 It doesn't mean everything is going to work out 00:24:09.520 --> 00:24:11.080 exactly the way you want it to. 00:24:11.720 --> 00:24:14.360 It doesn't mean that the future version 00:24:14.420 --> 00:24:15.760 of you won't struggle. 00:24:16.420 --> 00:24:19.200 It doesn't mean everything is going to work out 00:24:19.480 --> 00:24:21.300 exactly the way you want it to. 00:24:21.820 --> 00:24:26.100 It doesn't mean that future you won't struggle. 00:24:26.280 --> 00:24:27.840 It doesn't mean you won't hurt. 00:24:28.420 --> 00:24:32.680 It means you trust yourself not to abandon yourself 00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:33.880 when you get there, 00:24:34.080 --> 00:24:39.280 And I think this can release so much anxiety 00:24:39.980 --> 00:24:40.700 in the present. 00:24:41.340 --> 00:24:43.280 When you trust your future self, 00:24:43.610 --> 00:24:48.120 your present self doesn't have to solve the future. 00:24:48.430 --> 00:24:50.640 You can come back to now 00:24:51.420 --> 00:24:56.180 and that into what is actually happening today. 00:24:56.740 --> 00:24:58.880 What information do I have today? 00:24:59.380 --> 00:25:01.120 What do I need today? 00:25:01.720 --> 00:25:03.000 How do I feel today? 00:25:03.600 --> 00:25:08.720 What is the next aligned, brave step I can take today? 00:25:09.280 --> 00:25:12.520 The future version of you can handle the future. 00:25:13.280 --> 00:25:16.980 Your job is to stay connected to the version of you 00:25:17.480 --> 00:25:20.640 who is here right now. 00:25:20.920 --> 00:25:24.480 So maybe one way to think about rebuilding self-trust 00:25:24.480 --> 00:25:27.380 is through these three versions of yourself. 00:25:28.120 --> 00:25:29.980 Past you needs understanding. 00:25:30.740 --> 00:25:34.520 This is where self-compassion comes in, curiosity. 00:25:35.320 --> 00:25:39.620 Stop using that person's choices as evidence 00:25:39.800 --> 00:25:42.280 that you're incapable of trusting yourself. 00:25:42.960 --> 00:25:43.840 Learn from them. 00:25:44.280 --> 00:25:46.580 Take responsibility where you need to, 00:25:46.860 --> 00:25:51.340 but remember that they were doing the best they could 00:25:51.800 --> 00:25:53.900 with what they understood at the time. 00:25:53.900 --> 00:25:55.520 If you really think about it, 00:25:55.600 --> 00:25:58.100 you actually did handle everything before. 00:25:58.540 --> 00:26:00.920 Maybe not perfectly, but you did. 00:26:01.400 --> 00:26:05.580 The present you needs action, small aligned choices 00:26:05.980 --> 00:26:09.460 that show your brain and body over and over again 00:26:10.180 --> 00:26:12.680 that you are willing to listen to yourself 00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:15.620 and stay connected to your real self. 00:26:15.900 --> 00:26:18.380 Future you needs trust. 00:26:18.780 --> 00:26:23.080 You don't have to anticipate every possible problem 00:26:23.540 --> 00:26:25.840 that future you will encounter. 00:26:26.540 --> 00:26:31.260 You don't have to protect them from every difficult emotion. 00:26:31.760 --> 00:26:35.580 You don't have to solve their life before they arrive, 00:26:36.280 --> 00:26:39.220 but trust that they'll meet the moment 00:26:40.120 --> 00:26:44.260 with whatever is needed when the moment actually comes. 00:26:44.920 --> 00:26:48.640 Self-trust allows you to stop using your past 00:26:48.640 --> 00:26:52.339 as evidence against yourself to judge yourself 00:26:52.340 --> 00:26:56.680 and stop asking your present self to solve the future. 00:26:57.240 --> 00:27:00.400 It lets you stay here right now, 00:27:01.260 --> 00:27:06.020 listening to yourself and taking those next brave, 00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:07.520 small steps. 00:27:07.760 --> 00:27:11.260 This week, I want you to notice the moments 00:27:11.420 --> 00:27:14.620 when you immediately want to look outside yourself 00:27:14.620 --> 00:27:15.460 for the answer. 00:27:15.920 --> 00:27:19.499 Maybe you're making a decision and you wanna text someone 00:27:19.500 --> 00:27:22.000 and ask what they think you should do. 00:27:22.460 --> 00:27:26.340 Maybe you're hurt and want someone to reassure you 00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:28.280 that you have the right to be hurt. 00:27:28.840 --> 00:27:30.700 Maybe you're considering setting a boundary 00:27:30.840 --> 00:27:32.860 and you want someone else to tell you 00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:34.360 that it's okay to set it. 00:27:34.860 --> 00:27:39.920 And before you ask anyone, please just pause, just pause. 00:27:40.240 --> 00:27:40.780